The Reason I Write
"The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them.” (Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear)
I have been writing for as long as I can remember. In journals. In letters. In essays and poems. In newsletters and blog posts. I started kaileenelise.com in 2009 as an escape from my day job. I wrote from coffee shops before going into work. On my lunch breaks I scrolled through Twitter and read the archives of my favorite sites. I connected with women from all over who were also seeking creativity, inspiration, and a little peace in our everyday.
Writing has always been there for me. I like how it transports me back in time to revisit memories through a new lens. How it propels me into my future hopes and dreams. How researching an idea feels like swimming far below the surface. How sharing what I’ve written can feel like coming up for air.
When my hands are on my keyboard, or my pen is pressed firmly onto the page, the chatter in my mind slows down. When I'm searching for the thoughts, the words, the details and feelings, I take deep breaths. The kind that lift my chest, expand my rib cage, and expose my heart.
I write because it's cheap therapy. I write because I like to hear myself talk. I write because it feels good to start at zero and end up somewhere else. I write because of the rare occasion when the words magically spill out onto the page or screen and leave me feeling like they came from somewhere else. I write because whenever I take a break from writing, my mind gets soggy and my heart starts to harden.
All of these reasons are insignificant compared to the biggest reason of all. And it's the one I always forget about, like when you've seen a movie a thousand times, but aren't quite sure what happens at the end until you watch it once more.
I write because revisiting my words - weeks, months, or years later - grounds me, roots me, connects me to myself and the universe in a way nothing else ever has.
A few days ago I was cleaning up my files and sorting through a dozen half-written essays when I came upon this,
My sweet Baby O is seven weeks and two days old and our lives as a family of three have settled into an unpredictable rhythm. We can count on the sunsets and sunrises to mark time. There are coos, smiles, diaper changes, cries for help, endless feedings, and moments when I stop to wonder how we got so lucky. They say having a child will change you, and of course I knew that the very second the pregnancy test was positive, but it's impossible to know how.
I am so new at this. I don't know what I'm doing or what's around the corner. But lately I've noticed a voice within that is calling me to be better. Ground, calm, gentle, nice. These aren't traits at the top of my list of strengths, but now that I'm this baby's mama, all I want to do is shed my rough edges and be soft.
This, my dear friends, is the reason I write.