Do You Have a Mindful Mentor?
Posted by kaileenelise on December 9th, 2009
In every art beginners must start with models
of those who have practiced the same art before them.
And it is not only a matter of looking at
the drawings, paintings, musical compositions, and poems
that have been and are being created;
it is a matter of being drawn into the individual work of art,
of realizing that it has been made by a real human being,
and trying to discover the secret of its creation.
(Ruth Whitman)
During a recent conversation with a colleague, I was asked if I had a mentor. I thought about it for a minute, and there are only three people who know about my personal and professional goals – my best friend, my mister and my dad. Since they don’t really qualify as a mentor, I had to admit that I didn’t.
His recommendation was that I find someone who (generally speaking) is in my field of interest—a lady, a few years my senior, and someone who takes a liking to me—ideally, the person is local.
As I thought through my (very) small rolodex of women in the Raleigh area, no one came to mind. I’ve only lived here for 2 years and have a pretty tiny circle of influence. There are many reasons for this, but it’s primarily because I have found it significantly more difficult to network outside of the supportive structures of a college campus.
I understand the benefits of having a mentor and would like to work towards cultivating such a relationship, but I am perplexed as to where to start.
You have been so supportive of me and my creative endeavors, so I thought I would turn to you to help me brainstorm. Whether you have a mentor or not, please feel free to share your thoughts to the questions below in a comment—or email me directly at hello AT kaileenelise DOT com.
- How did you establish a relationship with your mentor?
- What are the most important qualities of a mentor?
- Do you mentor anyone? How does the relationship benefit you?
- Many people offer coaching and mentoring services—what are the benefits and disadvantages to this style of advice?
photo credit: geninne’s art studio via apartment therapy
Tags: Everyday Life, Goals & Intentions, Personal Growth, Plans
As I mentioned in my DM, I have a (few) mentor(s), one of whom I meet with about once a month.
How did you establish a relationship with your mentor?
Ours developed naturally, over the course of many months.
What are the most important qualities of a mentor?
I think she should be willing to be honest with you. It’s a relationship based on trust. You should also be able to push her to grow in new ways. It has to be a win-win.
Do you mentor anyone? How does the relationship benefit you?
Heck yes. I mentor a lot of women in the space. There’s a difference between those I mentor and those who want something from me. The ones I mentor give back. The ones who clearly just want to take, I will point to a blog post or book. But I mentor (invest in) women who want to grow and are willing to take some risks in the business world.
Many people offer coaching and mentoring services—what are the benefits and disadvantages to this style of advice?
I think an organic mentorship relationship is the best. But that’s just my take on it. If you’re a “professional mentor/coach” hanging your shingle out there, you may have some bandwidth I don’t. But I can’t imagine hanging out my shingle, “MENTOR! MENTOR! Come & get it.”
Kaileen, there was a great article on this very subject this week in Jobs for Change. It has some practical advice for finding a mentor! http://jobs.change.org/view_article/how_to_find_a_great_mentor
Gwen, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I especially like how your enthusiasm for mentoring comes across in your words. It’s clear that win-win mentoring is key for a long-term relationship.
My dad is definitely my mentor and his mantra is, “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.”
My mom’s not around, but she’d always say, “Find The Funny.” So combining the two, is my continuous goal.
xo/
@EvieStewart
Yet again I feel like you can see inside my head! I have been struggling with the same thing lately. I want a new direction but don’t know where to go, and I am having trouble figuring out how to find a mentor and exactly how to use the mentor to help once I find her/him. It’s been a struggle!
I have a mentor with whom I am comfortable. He expressed an interest in mentoring me so I never looked for one. I am also the mentor of two girls. I would tell you that I learn as much being a mentor than being mentored. It is just that I learned different things. Both situations energize me and push me to expand my horizons. It is clearly a win-win relationship. I hope you find the right one for you.
Hi there,
I stumbled upon this post from Miss Gwen Bell up there ^ and I love your honest quest for a mentor.
I don’t know what you do or what you study, but I felt I just had to share that I happen to have the most incredible mentor in my industry locally (which is marketing in Reno, NV).
She is my supervisor, but I met her through a job shadowing program in a club at my university, while I was a student. Not only did that shadowing experience lead me to an internship, and later a career, but I am pretty sure it’s the strongest mentor-protege relationship on this earth.
My suggestion: find someone who thinks like you. Who can help you deal with difficult situations in ways that will work for you–because she’s been there.
I hope you find what you are looking for!
Great post!
[How did you establish a relationship with your mentor?]
He was assigned to me at work. No, really! Years ago I worked at a very small company, where at some point it became necessary for me to learn sales. He was the head of sales, so the owner of the company insisted on it. That said, we already had a good working relationship and the beginnings of a mentorship anyway (he’s old enough to be my dad). In general, I would say that sticking to your own gender makes the most sense on several levels; but this situation worked out extremely well.
[What are the most important qualities of a mentor?]
There should be a very high level of trust and comfort, and it should be mutual. Patience. Genuine interest in your well-being and success. Honesty.
That said, it helps if you have similar traits, quirks and interests. It goes a long way toward not having to explain things.
[Do you mentor anyone? How does the relationship benefit you?]
I do, and I find it benefits me in several ways. First, it makes me feel good to know that my mentee finds comfort in reaching out to me, and that she trusts my judgment. Second, I find that when I’m dispensing advice to her, I’m forced to think out loud and find new ways to explain things. And that makes me think more clearly and see things differently myself. Third, I’m finding that I think and say things that my own mentor was saying to me nearly ten years ago, which is both funny and bittersweet.
[Many people offer coaching and mentoring services—what are the benefits and disadvantages to this style of advice?]
I think that so long as you feel a genuine connection with the person, this can be a great way to go. One of my dearest friends began as my coach (www.dyanavalentine.com) and I consider her a mentor as well. The disadvantages come when that personal connection does not feel genuine. Everything goes downhill from there.
Sidenote–is that photo of your workspace? It is lovely.
I wish to add that my mentor gives me fresh ideas about my projects, helps me put things in perspective and make sure my decisions are aligned with my ultimate goal. Sometimes, when faced with a new situation or dilemma, I would give him a call just to make sure I analyzed the situation from all angles. It is reassuring to have an unbiased expert in my field who can validate my decision or offer another view.
I’ve gone my whole professional career without a mentor. I’ve gotten what I consider close a few times, but they never fully developed. I do, however, mentor several people today.
Gwen mentions two things in her reply that resonate; mentor relationships develop naturally and they’re built on trust.
I am not a believer in seeking out a mentor or taking an objective approach, i.e. service, to finding a mentor. It is like seeking out a husband or wife, it just happens.
That’s why typically you’ll hear of mentors being a college professor who you formed a special bond with over four years or a boss who gave you your first shot and took you under her arm. These are natural forming relationships that just happen.
I do think you can put yourself in situations, whether personal or professional, that can foster mentor relationships. It may come from common groups of interest or professional associations in which you are active.
Unfortunately I don’t have a mentor either, nor do I have tips on finding one…I just wanted to say “hi!” to a fellow Raleigh gal, I had no idea we were so close.
Yep, I have two mentors. One is my business coach, from SCORE. The other is at UofM who helped me find my passion in college and still keeps in touch. Both are older and not in jewelry but have great life and business experience.
Wow! Thanks to each of you for sharing your thoughts on having/being a mentor. I’m encouraged to hear that so many of you have win-win relationships with your mentors.
I have two mentors and am also a mentor to a younger designer friend as well. I think it’s important to find someone who is a straight-shooter and can tell it like it is, someone who truly understands how you tick, relates in a similar way, and who knows your emotions well enough to give you the kick in the pants reality-checks you might need without making you cry! : )
As for how to find a mentor, I guess I lucked out on that one, as both of my mentors are people I’ve met and instantly had a connection with so I don’t have any sage advice on that one.
About 10 years ago I was in my mid-20s and longing for a mentor in the worst way. I was disappointed in my “search”. I was really grasping and holding out for this mentor I’d imagined in detail in my mind. I didn’t find her. I launched a little rocket of desire
out into the universe and finally just let it go.
About 6 months later she appeared to me teaching a course in grad school I’d been avoiding enrolling in for the entirety of my program. I’d have never recognized her by the tight requirements I composed in my mind. I immediately adored her, but she was nothing like the kind of mentor I thought I needed. Had I met her during my “search” I’d probably have rejected her. Thank goodness she had the wherewithall to recognize in me a young woman who needed her.
Long story short – what began as a fantastic professional mentoring sitution has blossomed very organically into a decade long mentorship/friendship. She and her partner are now family – they are like my son’s grandparents.
Let the oars go and ride with the flow. Listen to your intuition and let it guide you to the people and circumstances that will connect you with your mentor. Accept all invitations to expand your circle. Strike up conversations with people who piqué your curiosity. Turn aquaintences into friends, and then meet *their* friends. You’ll connect.
Namaste.
What great questions. Mentors are EXTREMELY important to me in my life, and I have had many in diff. capacities and diff. stages in my life. Professional, personal, creative, etc. I’ve been blessed with a plethora of mentors, and I can honestly say that they have all taught me something along the way, whether or not they continue to be my mentors. I’m going to draft a more detailed email to you directly b/c a lot of it is personal/private, but I want to say that mentors are AMAZING and I think VITAL so get yourself some!!
I haven’t had many mentors persay in my life, but there have been a few who have existed in my life through an academic capacity. One in particular, was a professor from my masters degree program, whom I still have contact and write with. My career has been for the most part, academic focused (not just by requiring degrees, but entering the world of academia professionally). For me, finding someone who shares the same dreams and career goals is key. Not only will this mentor help guide you, but you will learn more about the profession and network.
This is a great and honest post. Where to start is a HUGE issue many women, young and older, face. Mentoring is a component of my Women’s Entrepreneurial Leadership class at the George Washington University School of Business. I match the students up with mentors. After many requests to “privatize” this mentoring approach, I created a virtual mentoring class. It was interesting, because having a class format gave the students an “excuse” to find and interact with a mentor. “I’m doing this for a class,” they would say. This courage in a bottle is transferrable. You could search someone online, contact them, see what conferences they are attending or where they are speaking, have a Google search with their name delivered to your inbox weekly…research and learning is the first step. Then, when you want to approach them, you could say, “Mentoring is on my 2010 must do list. Could I ask you a few questions that you would answer via email, or phone…whatever works? I have been following you for a while and feel a real connection to and identification with your viewpoints.” Of course, don’t say this if it isn’t true. Authenticity is key. There are a few follow up steps and numerous directions this could go. But, starting is the first – and sometimes hardest- step. In speaking at Wake Forest earlier this fall, I realized exactly how hard. You are not alone in your “where to start” question. But, at least you are ASKING the question. Many don’t even know to ask, yet, there is a correlation between mentoring and perception of success/self-efficacy, ESPECIALLY for women. So, in 2010 I would love for mentoring to be a NEED TO HAVE, not just a NICE TO HAVE for women around the world in 2010